reflections | bonos.org

bonos.org: the main page of bonos.org, where I display stuff which I've done
impulsepoetry: the page I update the most nowadays, expressive poetry
links: the words of others which have touched me with their sincerity

Sometimes I feel the urge to express my opinion towards certain aspects of life in words, but somehow, because of the effort needed to get the words down, onto a webpage and uploaded, I never get anything written. After discovering the great web services scribble.nu and blogger, which basically plonk your words directly onto a page from a form, that isn't really so much of a problem anymore. So, here they are, random words from the top of my head about life, gloriously blogger-generated. I'm not quite comfortable about revealing the exact details of my day-to-day life as yet, but the following words will reflect some element of the things I encounter in life, and definitely show you how I think. Come to think of it, it'll show me how I think.... wow.

Bonos

06 April 2006

6:40:00 PM

if you've stumbled across this hidden corner of my page (i don't think many even make it past the first, poetry page), hi again.

i've just been re-reading some of my past entries, and i must say.. ouch.

oh well, i've grown in the past year or so, hopefully it'll continue

23 February 2005

3:21:02 AM

watch this space

3:20:50 AM

watch this space

21 February 2005

12:25:00 AM

i don't care. i don't want to care and i don't.

04 July 2004

10:22:20 AM

this feeling that i've had for the past couple of weeks is weird. i can't place a finger on it. i'm angry, but not resentful, upset, but don't regret, relieved, but not happy.

yet i know one thing for sure. that person is a lost cause, and i will not waste another second. neither for mine or for that person's sake. i guess we all have to make mistakes to learn because words just don't work well enough.

04 May 2004

1:40:49 AM

i believe in people. usually what holds you back is yourself.
but perhaps not always. but usually.

05 April 2004

5:47:47 AM

something's gonna change.. something's gotta give. something's gotta break before i can shatter this stasis i'm in. i don't know what will happen, but i guess i know what i can do. it's time to do it cause i can't wait forever.. i wish i could but i can't. i've gotta be able to love myself before i can go further..

06 March 2004

6:09:39 PM

don't favour the letter between h and j anymore. too self centred. hence a post sans that letter. can't post much, held back by lack of vocabulary. how sad. can't we speak and not talk about ourselves?

6:06:58 PM

why do people do nice and "good" things? is it because of some ulterior motive, or just because they are good and nice at heart? i do not concur with this definition of "basic goodness", because i believe that as humans, we do tend to be selfish and hence it is impossible for us to do something without thinking of ourselves first.

however, that does not mean we should regard people with wariness when they are nice to us. i do believe in "positive feedback" of doing nice things, that is, when we do something nice, the feeling we get from doing it is a form of reward to ourselves. in this way, we are motivated to be positive and helpful, because we are rewarded by what we do. yes, it is a self-centred reason, but i believe it's the most positive of reasons.

but it's funny sometimes.. the people closest to us are those we take for granted.. and whom we are the most callous about.

11 February 2004

7:15:44 AM

the time just seems to fly by. perhaps, this is a sign that i am happy. at what? i don't know. it isn't exactly perfect now, but it is a lot better than i hoped it would be.
what can i say? if things don't get better, please, at least don't let it get worse.

16 January 2004

5:53:36 PM

somehow, two weeks into 2004. so fast, yet so long to go.
i've somehow found a quiet peace, and seen past what plagued me last term
i'm happy for them. i do think they're pretty suitable, and besides, it's their choice. yes, i can see it in their eyes.

so again, what is my meaning? i guess to live each day happily, without regret.
i think what she said was right. the best things happen when you don't expect it. i guess i shouldn't expect anything then.

it's funny how loyal we can be, yet surprisingly callous at the same time.

20 December 2003

10:14:53 PM

the new year approaches, and it's time to make a resolution... one which has been much overdue.
perhaps it's too late, but i guess it's better than never
i have got to stop being the me now. but someone i admire myself.
i can't live despising me.

11 December 2003

11:18:24 PM

again, another year in age, another year of continued emptiness
am i fated to be in solitude for the rest of my life?
but the advice never seems to make sense
is there the only one for me, is she to be sought, or will it depend on how well i can relate to another?
happiness is such a fickle thing, one day it takes the form of solitude, yet on another it mocks me from the crowd.

yet i trudge on. believing. for the other alternatives are much worse.

what did i do wrong? when did i do wrong? or is this the right outcome?

did i do something wrong in my last life?

21 November 2003

7:20:08 AM

they said i thought too much.
now i can only say. fuck. fuck it all. i don't think the problem is that i thought too much. it's that i think(and did) too little.
now it's written there in black and white. so they're together. so it means i didn't fucking think too much. it means that i was bloody right.
the best thing i did was to stop this delusion.
and now i know that it didn't stop. it went into denial. and now, how much further do i want to deny it.
i just hope he bloody knows how to take care of her.
and that she made the right choice.
don't let them push you, babe.

17 November 2003

1:14:00 AM

i write here, perhaps because i want to let people know how i feel
perhaps not.
but it isn't too hard at all.. just ask and it shall be revealed
am quite tired of all this misunderstandings i make up and cause me so much upset
but at the end of the day, i can't just go right out and ask
because other people, like me, don't know how they feel. at least i don't think they do.
so i gotta figure out how i feel, then help them figure out how they feel, and perhaps i have a chance.
the same chance an ice cube has of surviving in hell.

21 August 2003

10:49:26 AM

Again the melancholy begins, with the exodus of my friends.
Ironically, I will be among those who will leave, and hopefully to return.
Those who remain have already begun on their new chapter, and it makes me wonder, how will mine be like? A success or a failure? On one level or all of them? My track record has been far from flawless, and it is hard to draw on past experiences for comfort, but... each new beginning marks a chance for redemption, does it not? Why then does this feeling of dread threaten to overwhelm me?

I have to know what I want. I honestly have no clue.

05 August 2003

7:51:14 PM

the time lessens between the time i was freed and the time i open a new chapter of my life, over in the uk. will be spending the next 3 years there, doing the right thing(i hope) and perhaps when(if) i return, i will become a more complete person. there is never a state of satisfaction, you're either too busy to breathe or have too much time to burn.

19 July 2003

9:18:33 AM

Well, two weeks down the line, and what has changed since the last time? Nothing much I guess. I now know that I have only one chance before I leave for my studies. Other than that, perhaps I should start finding ways of self-improvement and all.. maybe a job or some studying? Yeah, right.

02 July 2003

6:02:18 PM

it's funny but I think I found some of her writings on poetry.com
I'm not sure if it's her or just someone with the same name
but if it was, the poems that she wrote seem to reveal someone who's pretty emotional as well
although i strongly doubt they were written for me,
but still, that tiny bit of delusional hope is always present

but it doesn't matter i guess
i'm across the pacific and soon i'll be across the atlantic
two of the world's oceans between us regardless of where we go.
the distance is so far
and i think i'm the only one who thinks about it anyway

19 June 2003

8:21:04 PM

i am in limbo but at the same time in bliss
to be free but bonded by boredom
to listen to my heart but be troubled by its loneliness

is what i truly seek the one for me?
or is that just another delusion.

it's time like this that i think of her. selfish isn't it? but i should have forgotten about her a long time ago. she doesn't feel for me, there's no journey down that dead end. yet she was the first, and that can never change. and still a little part of me hopes, wishes, pleads.

that sometimes, when she's lonely, she remembers me.

10 June 2003

9:21:13 PM

do you honestly care what I say?
am i not just another of your prey?
i don't think you even care
how your indifference tears
through me
you see

and perhaps you don't
or maybe you won't?
life isn't a fairytale
and upon a smooth lake we do not sail

perhaps my answer is to be not alone
and my sins not myself atone

are you here?
can you hear me?
you. yes you.
ever living in solitary anticipation

9:15:14 PM

hey hey hey kids!

17 February 2003

9:11:13 PM

...

16 February 2003

5:45:49 PM

again meandering. on hiatus or tapped out? give me inspiration.

01 January 2003

11:01:24 PM

2 0 0 3

two zero zero three
and i won't let it be
time seems too fast for me
yet isn't this the year I longed to see?
have you found your light
and can you see my plight
it's no use i've lost my might
but ain't gonna give our without a fight

where are you my muse?
these past two years have been sad
somehow been misused
with their passing I am glad.

--------------------------------------

I want to say that this new year will bring about a revival of this page...
but does any one know? does any one care?
there are a thousand thousand thousand people out there
why would i be of interest of anyone?

lost

24 December 2002

9:39:57 PM

it's been a long time since i posted here. too long.

29 April 2002

9:17:04 PM

do i need a muse to inspire me? am i but an inert pool of barely reactive abilities, needing a catalyst to spur me on? I seem to have lost any urge to create, to emote, to speak. were my words in vain?
lost contact. am a semi-hermit, except for two close friends hardly meet with anyone outside. my icq is switched off permanently.. don't know what to say, who to talk to. i like this silence.. but i'm not living in it.. it's like i'm waiting.. waiting for life to resume after this dreadful spell of limbo

02 April 2002

8:54:50 PM

i miss the past. i suddenly realised how out of place i felt everywhere i've been. yet, how lucky i am to make the few good friends that i have. i wish i could return to the past and relive it.. but that's impossible, a wish that many have but are unable to fufil. as my kind senior has told me, "there's only forward to work toward" somehow i must take courage in the good things that await me in the future. but i miss the past the memories the chances that i missed.

i am a fool

09 March 2002

7:33:59 PM

it is simply so easy to get lost.. so easy to fall. i call it the gravitational effect. everything that is good, praiseworthy. that needs effort and energy.... is upward. we climb, we climb, and we think that we can make it... but we must sustain. we must resist gravity. resist oppose overcome. to lower our guard would be to succumb to gravity, and all that your struggle has culminated it is lost, because there is a force, that brings us down, lower and deeper.... there is no need to try to lower yourself, you drop naturally.......... so busy bee work as hard as you might.. never stop flapping those wings... or to stop for some stings.. last you fall, plummeting and never to sing.

10 February 2002

4:56:54 PM

another lunar new year is arriving, my second since i entered the army. on the whole, the world's a whole lot different from what it was a lunar year ago. racial conflicts are now at the forefront, while the american war machine has once again been roused from its slumber to confront a new adversary: terrorism. they say that fortune often follows misfortune, and vice-versa. perhaps the innocents who perished on 911 day died so that the world could become a better place. i wonder what the terrorists wanted to accomplish with their blatant act of destruction. all they've achieved is the "look ma! i'm the world's first guy who managed to cripple uncle sam!" they weren't expecting the americans to bow down and accede to their requests, were they?
a country that proud would sacrifice their all rather than yield, and now bin laden's host country lies in ruins.. seemingly for the better - i hope so too, but i've not much faith in the media.
well, best wishes in this new year, and ¹«Ï²·¢²Æ, ÍòÊÂÈçÒâ!

25 January 2002

10:57:18 PM

yet another year has come....... i'll be looking forward to the next, when my obligation is fufilled. things seem to be going pretty alright at the moment..

one thing that struck me this week: that of retribution. sometimes things so unfair happen that you wonder why such things are allowed to happen, if there's someone up there watching over us... i did so this week, when i saw some of my friends slog so hard while the rest idled, but reaped the same rewards... but something happened after that which seemed so coincidental that it seemed almost like divine retribution... i don't know if it was only a coincidence, but perhaps good people aren't always the ones to suffer after all.

29 December 2001

2:16:41 AM

I feel so betrayed.. had a link sent to me by a friend that turned out to be a "joke" or gag which had me filling in some sensitive questions honestly in order to apparently generate a personality test, but in fact was a trojan horse that sent all this info back to him... it may be a joke.. but i don't think he realises how important some of those info is to me.. must we live with mistrust in order to protect our secrets? I trusted, and look where that got me.

It wasn't a joke, it was a low-brow con job.

25 December 2001

7:50:27 PM

had a pretty long break this christmas weekend, from sunday to tuesday... somehow didn't feel happy despite the free time.. sorta empty and lonely. i could say that i missed the girl who i liked from jc, but it's been so long since i saw here that i've more or less given up on that.... yet i still dreamt of her this afternoon - envisoned myself trying to contact her... but somehow unable to.

how should i solve, this empty feeling?

16 December 2001

10:05:18 AM

changed to a new counter for this page- i really appreciate it when people visit my page and would like to keep track of the audience i have. however, my previous counter suddenly became a pay-for counter, with really crappy statistics available for previously free subscribers. I guess this is what happens when the dot com bubble bursts and revenue from ads go way down.

13 December 2001

9:38:55 PM

did the usual things today, only a little dirty, a little tired and very sad. finally, some relief this weekend. gotta charge this worn out battery of mine.zzzzzzzz.

09 December 2001

4:15:39 PM

almost reaching my first year in the armed forces. another 18 months to go.. sigh seems like forever. anyways, duty on my birthday, with a whole bunch of other things on that day as well. not looking forward to it at all.. but hey, at least it'll probably be memorable.

24 November 2001

4:33:55 PM

i really wonder at myself sometimes... especially as to whether i'm schizophrenic.. i can feel so melancholy and locked at times, while at other times, i can be pretty happy and confident. sometimes i crave company, but often seek solitude. who am i really- the happy/sociable bonos or sad/introverted bonos? i wonder.

03 November 2001

5:32:14 PM

where were all the jims(crabs)???!!!?/

yes i know it doesn't make sense to you... but it does to me....

29 October 2001

6:04:50 AM

okay, so i admit it.. i suck at doing journals. usually there's nothing much i feel like writing and when there is, i get too lazy to do it. something really jolted me this weekend though.. i actually dreamed about a plane blowing up mid-air - it was the most vivid dream i ever had, and now i know without a doubt that i dream in colour. i don't know what to make of it- osama-fear? i really don't like the way the world is going at the moment, i really don't.

even if they do win the situation in the us, i don't think (relative)peace will reign again - terrorism is a state of mind, not a nationality or organisation... it seems a bit like wiping out shoplifting, or murder, or arson. i'm not saying that it's not worth trying.... the people in WTC on 11 Sep shouldn't have died this way... but is it really possible? perhaps when humans go extinct, I guess...

but the cool thing is, really nice surprises happen sometime and we get our act together.

surprise me, please.

on another note, haven't done many new updates, but impulsepoetry is something i update a little more frequently...

19 September 2001

9:25:21 PM

regret

regret's mostly useless
it always comes too late
after the deed's committed
and analysis brings self-hate

but we are beings of flesh and blood
imperfection personified
to be wrong is just so right
to change one's heart justified

regret brings no truth to light
only comes after the fight
things once done cannot be undone
time and tide waits for no one

to halt regret is to succeed
in doing things somewhat right
only when one has done things well
can regret be banished down to hell

i regret writing the words above
but it is of no use
they are unleashed from within my mind
to join strange ravings of their kind

02 September 2001

6:29:51 PM

http://homepage.mac.com/billamend/
good page.
lucky guy (re: Sarah Michelle Gellar)

6:26:32 PM

missed bridget jones' diary while it was in the cinema, bad. loved book, was quirky and cute. have to wait for vcd or dvd to come out now (bad)..
wrote for first time in months today. vg.

22 July 2001

6:56:16 AM

life is not a bed of roses; but it doesn't have to be full of thorns.

21 July 2001

6:52:57 AM

Back. Just wondering about something : Do you really think what we do on the web reflects reality? Actually I don't think so. If we wanted reality we'd go our of the front door of our houses and live it. The web's a place where we escape to, to ruminate, fantasise, envy and experience. The truth is, personally, the outside "real" world is just too harsh for me to have that much fun in... I'd rather come online and chill a bit before going back out there.. sorta recharging my batteries I guess. Sleep works too, actually.. you get away from it all for a chunk of time- to bad it feels like the next instant when you wake up.

20 May 2001

7:37:30 AM

Tried to look for a website by a great contemp. fiction author - Mike Gayle, and was disappointed that it was snatched up by some enterprising firm or other, trying to make a quick buck out of domain name reselling. This somewhat disgusts me because of the limited space available on the net and how domain names should be put to constructive use. It's a bit like snatching the last piece of a flavour of candy that you don't really like but think someone else might, and trying to hawk it to him. Sad.

05 May 2001

6:24:46 PM

Visited my old page, The Interlink for a while today... was very surprised by the tone of voice I used in it. The person who wrote the page does seem somewhat immature and childish, but hey, that was five years ago, so I guess I've changed a bit since then. I can't say that five years down the road, I'll not look back on what I write here and snigger at it.. Anyways, that's what time does to one. I'm definitely nowhere near mature yet; I know for a fact that I haven't seen enough of the world yet.. but whether that's a blessing or a curse I don't know. really.

29 April 2001

5:56:10 AM

I've just decided to quote some lines from some of my fave Blessid Union of Souls songs... they're not only sung with style, but have oodles of meaning.

for her
(what have I got to lose) what have i got to lose, all i've lost is everything i need, and look i've got to win, if you'd only listen to my heart

(the rest of my life) i know you've heard the excuses before, so i won't waste your time, and i'll keep this short, about my emotions because i can't afford to be wrong. i know we've talked about being good friends, so we've been real careful about the signals we sent but all of your glances they came and they went to my head. and i'm not a man to throw words to the wind, if i said i loved you then that's what i meant, and i plan to show you if it takes me the rest of my life

(peace and love) may every star you wish upon and every hope you're hanging on come true, out of everybody in the world, there's no one who deserves it more that you. i hope you find, everything you are worthy of, only good things, no in betweens, just peace and love.

16 April 2001

7:42:55 PM

Really touched by the many new comments in my guestbook today... there are really morale boosters, and give me a lot of encouragement. Unfortunately, I'm unable to come up with new stuff atm, partly because I'm rather uninspired for the time being, and because I'm rather worried about my new posting and going back to staying in camp. It's really hard to think about having freedom only a day or so per week, as opposed to the temporary day job posting I've enjoyed for the past week. Well, to quote my own poem:

But all things come to an end
Even as they have to begin

sigh. let's see where life takes me.

09 April 2001

5:12:37 AM

Well, a new site design is up, together with a bunch of new stuff. Still few visits for the past 3 days since it has been set up... I really wonder if there's anyone actually looking at my stuff, or whether the page exists for only one person, myself. True, expressing myself through the graphics does provide pleasure, but this pleasure would be increased by a lot if people actually enjoyed my stuff. Sigh. Maybe I'm gonna have to go soliciting ;)

On another note... somewhat nervous today because I'm going to my new posting.. wonder what awaits me there. More about that later, I guess...

02 April 2001

6:48:36 PM

It's over. I'm officially a basically trained soldier, admittedly far from the cream of the crop(somewhere near the bottom lurking with all the non-fat stuff, actually), and I've paid my dues. Thing is, these past four months of intensive training seem to have been over in no time at all, although I do remember that while I was undergoing the training, it seemed as if the course would never end. Now, I'm on a vacation for almost a week, and I don't really know what I'm gonna do with it besides recuperating, and recuperating some more. After this, on to a vocation for the rest of my 2 1/2 years of service. I hope I get something that I can be adept at and gain something from this period. I'm not actually going to go into any details here, army stuff is state stuff, and therefore all hush-hush.... Just suffice to say that the end of the beginning has come.... and I'm glad it's over. A little proud even. Let's see if this break will get any new stuff up.... Why aren't there any new guestbook entries???!! I can't work without some fuel...